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かんなののほほんぶろぐ♪ ~ひよっこ通訳の日々~
一人前の通訳者目指して奮闘中のひよっこ通訳がのほほんと綴ります♪
Retirement
久しぶりにジョークねた。退職後って暇になるんだろうけど、こんなのありえんでも笑える。

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After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Walmart.

Dear Mrs.Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Ourcomplaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a"CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone!

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!" And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards, Wal-Mart


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スポンサーサイト



Angels in the Post Office
アメリカの家族が送ってきました。
What a wonderful story..... It makes me cry.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

This is one of the kindest things I've ever experienced. I have no way to know who sent it, but there is a kind soul working in the dead letter office of the US postal service.

Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:

Dear God,

Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.

I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her you will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.

Love, Meredith.



We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had. 

Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, "To Meredith" in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, "When a Pet Dies." Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,

Abbey arrived safely in heaven.
Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.

Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.

I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.

By the way, I am wherever there is love.

Love, God





WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then, "she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought ! his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school." I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother . "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
LIFE
"LIFE" Explained:

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking.? How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years?? That's a pretty long time to perform.? How about I give you back ten like the Dog?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said:

"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.


On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said:

"Only twenty years?? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
お部屋ばとん
水玻さんより受け取りましたお部屋ばとん、れっつごー!
自分の部屋というか、、、だんなと共有のだが・・・

あなたの部屋に写真はありますか?
沢山ありまーす。
結婚式の写真、旅行の写真、愛猫の写真、家族の写真などなど・・・

あなたの部屋の壁に何かかかってる?
時計、カレンダー、写真、掲示板、ポスターなどなど

あなたの部屋にぬいぐるみはありますか?
はい。
しろくま、ハロッズベア、ごまちゃん、ストレーシープ。

あなたの部屋に漫画はありますか?
はい。
はじめの一歩、バカボンド、湾岸ミッドナイト、炎のロマンス、名探偵コナン、頭文字D

あなたの部屋にある機械は?
機械って区別が難しいんだけど、家電あげりゃいいのかな?
クーラー、扇風機、掃除機、PC、プリンター/スキャナー、デジカメ、デジタルビデオ、ルーター、モデム、CD/MDプレイヤー、カセットプレイヤー、FAX付電話、石油ファンヒーター、テレビ、DVD、ビデオ、ポット、マイクロウェーブ、炊飯器、冷蔵庫・・・こんなもん?

あなたの部屋でこれだけは人には負けない!てゆうのは?
使ったものが端からしまわれずに放りっぱなしになるところかなぁ・・

寝るときに周りに必ず置くものは?
目覚まし用携帯(機種変前のもの)、水、耳栓。

あなたの部屋は何畳ですか?
部屋というか6畳2つプラスDK。

あなたの部屋は全体的に何色ですか?
また難しい質問だなぁ。薄茶とクリームかな。

あなたの部屋にはどんな家具がありますか?
机、椅子、本棚、ピアノ、ワードローブ、ベッド、チェスト。

あなたの部屋で一番多いものは?
猫の毛

ポスターなどは貼ってありますか?
あるよ。
昔働いていた会社のポスター。私が小さく載ってるのさ

あなたの部屋で一番目立つ物は?
猫かなぁ・・・・・

部屋についてこだわりはありますか?
ホントは、カーテンとか家具とかこだわりたいけど、今は無理。

部屋を教えてもらいたい人
沢山いるけど、バトンを受け取りたい人は適当によろぴく!
CHURCH
Waking Up for Church

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied,

"I'm not going."


"Why not?" she asked.


"I'll give you two good reasons," he said.

"One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied,

"I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to
church.
(1) You're 59 years old, and
(2) You're the pastor!"


The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please,"she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said.

"The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good,"he answered.
Noah in 2006
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said,

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying,

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!"

He roared,

"I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord,"

begged Noah,

"but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No,"

said the Lord.

"The government beat me to it."
How Blonde is she?
個人的にはM&M'sとTGIFがかなり受けました。

She was soooooooo Blonde

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.

* She thought General Motors was in the army.

* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She was soooooooo Blonde

* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was soooooooo Blonde

* She tripped over a cordless phone.

* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."

* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was soooooooo Blonde

* She studied for a blood test.

* She sold the car for gas money.

* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.

* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She was soooooooo Blonde

* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

She is soooooooo Blonde

* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Bush Comedy
またもやジョークネタで失礼~。

でも You really gotta see this! =D
Hilarious!!!

http://www.wimp.com/bushcomedy/


LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
やばい・・・またジョークねたばかりに・・・
ま、笑えるからいいよね?

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they
will stop making it.